Kumya Princess

I’m a hypocrite. On gender expression and fashion choices.

Being a trans man wearing lolita

I will be completely honest, a few years back I did not understand why a trans man would want to look feminine, and even now I still struggle with it a little. But Hiro, you wear lolita! I do, i am hypocritical as fuck,

 

Transitioning was something that never crossed my mind before actually doing it, not out of some kind of dismissal of it, but rather because I genuinely thought there is no way someone would ever see me and see a man, and the second thought was “I just can’t deny my past nor bury every feminine thing just to perform a kind of man I am not”. It wasn’t until I saw trans men that were more openly queer, more openly trans, that I thought maybe this was possible for me, a rather androgynous appearance and the stupidity and honesty needed to face the world saying I am a man, regardless of anything, in consequence of everything.

 

So when I finally decided to go on hormone replacement therapy, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself fall into a mould of a man, which I’d guess is infinite times easier. I chose the stupid, self sabotaging way, keep part of my hair long, keep wearing make up, keep wearing lolita. I wasn’t a super feminine child, lolita was what got me closer to that side of me as a teenager, it was facing the same struggle from a different angle. I had to convince myself, fight myself to accept this feminine side once again. 

 

After going out wearing lolita a couple times, I am stripping my soul buck naked here, I obviously got misgendered, which I think is a compliment, my goal in lolita is to look like a doll, be cute like one, within the limits of my face and body, but the part of me that has lived as a man for over a year got a little bit hurt, not in a super dramatical way, but in a tiny bit of insecurity that is completely illogical. It’s complex like that, because every presentation of your body has a certain way to be read, that you can’t really control, and I am not a flamboyant guy, with a super extroverted personality, I am actually quite lame, and I can’t give nor do I want to give the gender performance associated with a drag queen, that embodies confidence in a fierce way I can’t, I am not a drag queen, I’m a lolita enthusiast, so I feel I can’t really explain to people “no, I am not a woman, I am not a trans woman, I am trans man, in a fucking dress”. Interactions are very short with random people when they ask for pics or give a quick compliment. No one is signing up for a class on deconstruction of gender expressions.

 

And even on social media, there’s been some times I ask myself what do people think? Do they see my profile and say how does this person strive to be a man if he keeps wearing dresses? Well shit, I live as a man every day of my life, I present androgynously masculine all the time, I am treated as man all the time, it’s just this tiny bubble where I only post lolita coords where it seems I do not try to look like a man. How do I make it apparent? Do I need to make it apparent? Who cares if it’s apparent? In the end, I am a trans man and I certainly don’t want to look feminine, I want to follow my own kind of masculinity, which is rather androgynous but recognizable enough to be treated as a man in everyday life, adding a disclaimer on every post seems pointless to me, and somewhat stupid. Then how to handle that within the limits of an account that's centered around a very feminine hobby? I haven't sorted it out yet, so naturally, it gets me into somewhat weird dilemma that's not big enough to stop me from doing from anything, but it does leave me wondering on where is the equlibrium, until I find it, I can make an exception for Lolita and look like a cute doll as much as I can, I'm a hypocrite, I blame the lace.